Missing you but

But my mind is at peace knowing we are doing the right thing...

Today

Today I choose to be happy. To go out there in the open and embrace new beginnings. Maybe theyre right, closed doors are there for a reason and that is to protect and lead us to better places.

Love is the most powerful thing in the world. And yes there are many kinds of love. I choose, we chose this path because we love, our family and all the people around us that love us too. It is the right thing to do. Perhaps in time I will be able to get a clearer view. And experience this kind of love again, but on that time everything will be right. Everything I ever dreamt of.

But today, I embrace freedom and peace of mind. Thank God for the tears I cried yesterday and this morning it really soothes all those pain in my heart.

Sent by my sister Marie thru FB messenger

reasons y ayaw mo n sya:
1. pangit sya
2. poor sya, ngayon.
3. may pamilya sya
4. ayaw sya ni papa
5. ayaw sya ni lola
6. ayaw sya ng lahat
7. may bad record sya
8. hndi ka sure sa future nyo
9. bka balika nya lng pamilya nya
10. baka maiwan ka mag isa
11. itatakwil ka ng tatay mo
12. kc mahal mo tatay mo at s knya ka makikinig
13. hndi sya kawalan
14. hndi kayo bagay
15. siniswerte sya sayo
16. maluho ka at wala sya pambayad
17. at mdami pa iba

--------   ---------   ---------

I thank God for sisters. I thank God for the love of families. I thank God cause His plans are far better than mine. And surely I will get through this victoriously cause I have Him.

Why being with you is wrong

1. Youre commited.
2. Youre commited
3. Youre commited
4. Youre commited
5. Youre commited
6. You have a daughter that you need to take care of and a live in partner of more than 8 years. Its a relationship that works for a very long time. They are hurting so much because of our relationship.
7. My family is also hurting very much. My mum, my dad, my lola and all people around me because of this relationship. Remember Ivy how much they loved you and took care of you ever since you were born.
8. He is not worth it. Get it in your head. Lugi ka sa kanya! Aside from the fact that he has responsibilities, dont forget he is not financially capable of giving you the life you're family gave you. And you cant live with that! Di mo kaya ang buhay nya.
9. Di mo sya ganun kamahal. You only like winning. You versus that woman. But please dont get too high about the game because people's lives is at stake here. Think long term. His 'wife' and his child equals his family. Dont hurt them just to make you feel good about yourself.
10. He is not gwapo, please! Yes madami dyan malinis, mabango, matalino at walang sabit. Bakit ka magtyatyaga sa ganyan?
11. Ganyan ka na bang babae ngayon? Mababa at walang hiya? Mahirap maging kabit lalo na kung wala pang pera sinasamahan mo. Aaay problema!
12. Do not overly romanticize the situation. Its not love in the first place! Get it right in your head.
13. Dont give yourself problem by getting into this kind of relationship. Mas masaya pag walang ganitong drama di ba. Magtrabaho ka at kalimutan mo na lahat ng to.
14. Makakatulong ang shopping para matauhan ka. Hay nako.
15. Maganda ka dalaga at pwedeng pwede magkaron ng magandang future. Dont missed the chance to experience the perfect will of God. His plans are far better than yours.

Letting go

A LOT of things happened during those times I wasnt blogging. Oh my goodness, how do I start? I went back to Tarlac. Pat met me and asked me to work things out. One thing led to another, he left his family. We went to Arayat to elope but change our minds nung nasa SM na kami. There was a lot at stake. Anak nya, my family and we weren't financially capable of eloping. I went back to Capas. Nagka scandal dito. Sumugod ang 'wife' nya sa kin.  Sabi ni papa di daw nya ako tatanggapin pag tinuloy ko ang kay Pat. A lot of people got involved.

Now Im confused. Totoo na to. Mahal ko ba talaga si Pat? I feel insecure sa wife nya. What if bumalik feelings nya for her? Mahal ko ba talaga si Pat? Is he worth it? Will our relationship work? I need space from all these and my heart needs to heal too. Aaaah. Im sooo confused.

Im praying hoping all these fears and confusion will disappear. Paano? God help me.

Cant sleep

I dont know why but last night I cannot sleep. Surprisingly tho I can breathe easy but these thoughts in my head are haunting me. Pat Pat Pat asan ka na? Namimiss mo din ba ako? Useless! Nonesense!

Then again tonight, Im the only person still awake in Ate Paula's house. Why why why? Tonight, it started during the interview I had hard time breathing. Kasi ang baba ng sweldo na inoffer sa kin eh. Then that feeling didnt went away. Why? Ganito ba tlga ma heartbroken? Ano bang nangyayari?

I know Im too selfish to think Im the victim here. Im sorry nakasakit ako ng isang pamilya. Im sorry I didnt know ganito pala. Im sorry for overly romantizicing the situation. Im sorry for coveting whats not mine.

Sometimes when I think about it, is it worth all of these? I destroyed the trust of my father. I was kicked out of the ministry. I couldnt go to sunday service. I hurt a lot of people. I was taken out of Capas and went to Manila. Too much. But on the other side of the story, madami din nawala kay Pat. Im so sorry Pat. Im not worth it too. Kung kaya ko lang ibalik ang nakaraan Ill do it differently.

But today, tonight, I refused to put you first because a lot of people are waiting for me to get better. Makapag move on. Uunahin ko na ang sarili kasi ganun ka din naman.

Oo minahal kita. Pero kahit bali-baliktarin k pa maling mali tlga. Siguro kung ibibigay ng Dyos sa hinaharap baka sakali. Pero hindi ko itataya ang buhay ko dun. Kung ibibigay, magiging masaya ako. Pero hindi sasayangin bawat sandali para lang antayin ang walang katiyakan.

Sana malimutan na kita.

Angry

I know this is getting old. Yeah I am tired too. I shouldn't be thinking about this at all. Its over. What else worth thinking about it? He made his choice then slam it on my face. 

Kakayanin

Oh God give me the strenght not to call him.

Life goes on

Yes, these pass days, Im slowly learning to accept that some things are really not meant to be. No matter how much you try and fight for it, there are some things we must let go.

I dont regret loving you. I regret how it was done, when and how. I regret hurting people, a lot of people. But never once I regreted loving you. If people could see how much we have loved each other and how happy we were. The things that you only see in the movies  and others just only read of, we've had that, we still do.

But just like that old love song, baby sometimes love aint just enough. People say better stay away from each other. Forget this and move on and that this too shall pass. In my mind, its like hoping against hope to please let it pass now, cause its too painful to bear versus that feeling I do not want to move on from this because this kind of love is rare. Im helpless and hopeless, really.

In the end, love wins. Even tho we parted ways, it doesnt make it any less profound. Rather it makes it more real cause we love with our eyes open to people whom we also love like our families. We choose this path so that people around will be happy. Thats true love. Not selfish not rude.

And I think its time to let you go. To really let go of all the possibilities of us coming back together. To let go of that love but to have it mark in our memories forever. For you, for people who loves me, my dad, my mum, my grandma; I will try my best to move on from this.

Better in time (like after 1 week)

Slowly killing the feelings that are killing me. Yes I will through God's grace. But surprise to also realize I can shake these feelings off of me quite easily.

Natatatauhan din ako

First I want to thank God for this day. Today I finally realized what I really wanted to happen. Thank God for Seven for putting sense in me. Yes, I do not want to be number 2! No no no!

After the break up, comes post break up phone calls from him. I was shaken by it. It made me miss him terribly. It feels like I am back at zero. It also made me very confused abd upset.

Thats why I was so glad I was able to talk to Seven on our way to the airport to fetch Cris. Focus on the outcome. Natauhan din sa wakas. Yes!

Love

Love I miss you so much. Today is my 2nd night in Manila and I terribly missed you. Tawa mo, yakap mo, halik mo---lahat namimiss ko. I cried in the morning today, teary eyed inside the taxi and even while I was walking. Love anong gagawin ko? Paano kita kakalimutan? Ok stop. I shouldnt even be talking to you on my blog. It makes me miss you 10X more.

As the day went on, nawili ako ng bagong itsura ng SM Makati. Twas a busy day. I had dinner with ate pau, kuya eric, tat and toni. Twas such a lovely evening. Medyo naginhawaan ako. Atleast I dont have anyone here who keeps reminding me of you.