I dont know, I still dont know what to say about what happened. Ive spend days and weeks trying to process it all in my head but nothing ever comes out. I still dont know the answer. But what I know for certain is I do not want to be a kabit forever. So everyday I try my best to live up to that decision.
I look at my self in the mirror and although Ive got a lot of rough edges I still think I deserve better. I was not raise up for crumbs and leftovers, I deserve to be love wholeheartedly.
Im learning that my parents do not fully trust me now, my grandmother and all people around me finds it hard to trust me again. But its not that bad. They try their best not to show their skeptism.
I try not to be confused of little things. Yes, its those little things that distracts me from seeing the big picture. The big picture is a life without Pat, a life that is free from any forms of attachments to him. The little things are: When will he text me again? Does he still loves me? What is happening in their home? Is he in good terms with his wife? These are things that doesnt make sense if you place them according to the big picture. It just doesnt make sense to mind these things if your ultimate goal is to getvhim out of my system. Ive got to focus my mind on the big picture. Do not be confused.
I miss church. One the of things I miss the most is being in the ministry. I miss San Pablo, Magunting and our Bible studies. Sometimes I even get nostalgic remembering those days, pure bliss to me. How I wish I can turn back time.
My mind is not stable yet. My heart knows what it wants but my mind keeps on obssessing over a person and on memories. I cant go back anymore. Dont want to cry over spilt milk. Im learning to let go of it all. I will.
Things I can do to truly heal: get active, dont go on facebook for a month, get a job, dont contact any of his friends. I will do this. I can do this.
